Four AM

My iPhone is squawking. It’s 4am and I lurch out of bed to smack that piece of technology before The Len wakes up. I pad downstairs, feed the cats and brew myself a cup of fair trade Colombian coffee. You know, because I’m trendy and socially responsible. (No, I’m not. It’s a Keurig. I toss the empty pod into an overflowing garbage can.)

I’m here; awake at this hour with a cat asleep on my lap because of his challenge. ‘Believe you’re a writer. Do something about it.' Without a drop of caffeine in my bloodstream, I deeply dislike Jeff Goins in this moment. (No, I don’t. I blame Jenn. She sent me the email with the link to his blog and the 15 day challenge. That was enough.)

I am a writer. This is what I am trying to believe. This is why I am cozied up on the couch at 4:47 (Wait, I managed to waste 47 minutes?) writing self-consciously and trying not to panic at how easily I can convince myself that I’m a faker. A fraud. The Jedi mind trick isn’t working, Jeff! (Except that’s the point, isn’t it? My father says it too: Fake it ‘til you make it.)

I am a writer. I feel it, most days, as the quiet pulse of who I am. It frames me, gives me definition. I smile politely when people say, ‘You have a blog or something, right?’ Yes, or something. (Is a writer a writer without readership? That’s a fair question I think. But then, I’m alone and introspective at 5am… who’s awake to disagree with me?)

I remember a college professor noting how frequently a poet would end up musing about writing. ‘It’s deeply self-conscious,’ he would say, though thinking back I’m not convinced that was judgement in his tone. (Perhaps we are wired that way, we writers: self-conscious, painfully uncertain and perpetually afraid.)

The caffeine is slowly seeping in and I find my thoughts turning towards a busy day. Even as it does, understanding creeps over my spine and makes me shiver. This is the point: the discipline of carving out time to write because life and fear will effortlessly keep you from it. (Well, if that’s not a Jedi mind trick I’m not sure what is…)

Good morning, friends… care to help me feel less alone here? Is there anything in your life that makes you fearful to believe or act upon?
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