And then, for probably the space of a year, I went silent on the subject. When I wanted to fill the silence we were in a different place, and I didn't know how to share. I loved this new place we had found, but the last thing I wanted was to hurt my sweet friends, or paint a lopsided view of infertility. Silence was my answer, and perhaps it was not the best solution.
Eventually, I found a space to share at Hannah's Prayer and came to realize that The Len and I now consider ourselves 'Complete as Two'. On HP, that's my new home and I have new friends there... friends who understand what it is to embrace a childless life and revel in a peace, joy and healing that can come only from God.
There's still a gap, however... a gap of silence that lies open with questions unasked. How did we get here? Did we not really want children after all? What does this life look like? Do you ever feel guilty? Selfish? Does the grief of infertility still sting?
More than that, I realize the disservice to our friends and family; those who share their own grief at our childlessness; those who had spent hours and tears in prayer for us, pleading with God for our chance at parenthood, for peace, for solace. My silence did nothing to ease their healing towards shared joy, and I long to correct that.
And so, for the next few weeks, I hope to fill that gap. I hope to bridge the space between the deep grief of infertility and the peace and joy of embracing the life given.
Before I start, however, I wish to utter a gentle word of caution to those of you who read and long to support those in your life who struggle with infertility: just because the Lord chose this path for us, does not mean it's the answer for every infertile family. Just as adoption is a calling and not the next step in infertility treatment, so to with this.
I hope you'll join me over the next few weeks. I am also more than willing to answer specific questions you might have, so feel free to ask them, whether through comments or email!
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