Turns out, that happens.
Happened. Friday. I couldn't make it click. Work had been nuts and the promise of a long weekend had my brain in a knot. I didn't have the mental fight in me to manage a run. I struggled for a good twenty minutes before I gave up and found another way to make myself sweat. Gotta love that incline button and a painful speed walk.
I say I 'gave up'. I hate those words. I consider myself a quitter. It's one of the things I do well. I remember realizing in my late teens that I was an 'all or nothing' girl. Turns out, that's not overly appealing or useful. Or practical. Or any kind of positive way to approach life since the 'alls' usually amount to 'nothings' and then I'm stuck being frustrated and angry with myself.
I thought about 'all or nothing' while the incline and speed walk made me sputter. A year ago I would have taken a bad running day as a sign I couldn't do it or the perfect excuse not to try. I would have hopped right off that treadmill, got my keys, stopped by Tim's for a donut and driven home. And cried (after the euphoria from the sugar in the donut wore off).
But I was there, sticking it out. The new battle became between trying harder and just trying. I feel so new at this. I'm thirty one and I can't figure out whether an action means I'm not trying, whether I am trying but failing, or whether I'm trying, not failing but not pushing myself. I feel like I should have this sorted out already. Isn' t there a course on this in college?
At any rate... I stayed on the treadmill. I did my 3.1 miles, did my stretching and went home, trying not to feel too deflated that no celebrity athlete came through my Nike+ to congratulate me. Even my electronic device was disappointed in me.
I didn't love running on Friday. Thankfully, I didn't walk away writing it off completely as I've done before. Maybe I'm actually learning something after all. Maybe one day I'll be able to rewrite the 'quitter' ticker tape with something better.
"If you don't like where you are, change it! You're not a tree." ~ John Rohn
Ain't that the truth.
I think you are inspiring a post on my blog. Sometimes I feel like quiting when I've eaten too much that day. It gets discouraging. All we can do is pick ourselves up again and reaffirm our resolve to do whatever it is we're trying to do. We'll get it!
ReplyDeleteOh, and if you finished college, the course on not failing was getting a degree. If you finished it, you're not a quitter!
Good for you. Sometimes, you just have hard days and the run feels awful. But you stuck to it and walked. You still moved your legs and your body and that's good. I am no celebrity, but I'm proud of you. (:
ReplyDeleteI sooo understand!!! I always 'note' my bad runs so that I can go back and see that it did get easier again. Good for you for keeping on!!!
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